1) NOT
KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous
zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your
money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING
TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.
Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying
to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT
SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she
turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING
HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING
HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down
like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue
across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING
HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly
area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING
THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her
body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING
THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result
in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING
HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it,
you store it.
10)
ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your
fingers alongside of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING
FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If
you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there,
keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12)
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when
naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an
elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING
HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy.
Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is
not.
14) BEING
OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps,
they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand
down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is
okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior other than
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15)
MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage
to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are
not.
16)
UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least
made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple
of buttons.
17) TAKING
YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the
socks first.
18) GOING
TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst
thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel
like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up
slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING
TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING
TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you
see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her
pleasure too.
21) NOT
COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without
climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a
numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something
to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING
IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23)
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t acts like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your
whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your
tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING
HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis,
hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.
It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want
her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT
WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not
everybody likes it when she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so
she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING
AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio.
You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING
ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men
ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING
HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting
while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't
feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29)
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputatio n for not being able to
follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think
that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING
PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have
custody of them.
31) NOT
BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back
to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers
are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING
YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching
contest.
33)
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless
she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a
sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING
FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men
because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING
LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the
sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING
INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone.
It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING
DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling
a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT
CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get
it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39)
SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her
a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING
HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom
is not a soup kitchen.
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